Rediscovery

First and foremost I want to thank those that have and continue to intercede for me, thank you for standing in the gap for me, God is always faithful and there is no greater feeling than feeling well after an illness, so for those of you that don’t know, 5 years ago I was diagnosed with cluster headaches, it’s the most severe type of headache that anyone can have, no! It’s not a migraine or a “headache” that is treated by over the counter pills, it’s a literal Head (dot-dot-dot-dot) Ache in which one side of the face swells, and the eyes, nose and nervous system is affected, I want to be sure I separate the two clearly because I marvel at folks that look at me starry eyes when they hear I was in the E.R. or I have been out from work or normal functions’ due to my attacks because like most people when others described headaches I would naturally assume it’s something easy to take care of  (now that I am done with the cluster headache 101), so anyways my attacks are episodic, meaning they come anywhere from one, two and or three years apart, which is good and bad, good that I am not a chronic sufferer bad that when they hit-they hit hard, this year they came early, I of course am never expecting them because like anything else I’d rather believe I am healed, when my attacks have occurred in the past they have tortured me in the middle of the night, but this time around the pattern was very different, it was at night, in the morning and during the day (so horrible) by the way these are also known as suicide head-aches because some have committed suicide due to the intolerable pain because in the moment of the intensity you feel like all you want to do is just rip open the side of the throbbing pain and fix it ( I am not justifying suicide, it’s never an option I am stating the thought pattern in the moment of pain through my experience) anyways as a an episodic sufferer the monster visits with me for about 2-4 weeks, anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours then disappears, the physician prescribes a lot of pain pills and pure oxygen but these are really only useful if you catch the attack before it happens, the attacks come fast and by the time you pop a prescription pain pill you are already in a full blown attack which then can only be alleviated by breathing in 100% oxygen, which is not taking away the pain but toning it down just a notch, after an attack, I am drained, weak, tired and I feel like a zombie, all I can do is sleep, by the time I look up the day is gone and "I" of all people have not done anything, I've never asked God why this was happening to me, I just find it interesting that from nowhere life can stop you in your tracks and say otherwise, don’t get me wrong now, I am a very strong person, before this mess, I had never called off work, I have been working ever since I was 16 years old and I had never-ever-called off work, I had never been a sickly person, I had never been in the E.R…..I had never had any types of physical ailment till my diagnoses 5 years ago, I think what would get me frustrated more so than anything was  accepting that even strong people can get hit at the knees sometimes and cause them to fall temporarily, I mean-just being limited was bothering me, oh! Sure I leaned on God more than I had ever leaned on Him, every little bit of energy I had I was in my word (the Bible) which helped me embrace my time, yes! Embrace my time with God, I realize that in my physical realm I felt as though I was doing nothing, days where just passing right before my very own eyes and yet in my spiritual life I was growing in knowledge, I wanted to know more about illness and the body and I wanted to read all the verses on healing as I could, it wasn't until I started to accept that this was a moment for me to sit still and hear from God than to think of all the things that I had to do in my physical able body.

My Beloved, I write my heart out to you for you not to pity me but for you to gain strength, hope and courage in your walk, I describe my ailment in details so maybe you can relate, like you, I was enjoying the start of the year, great dreams, ambitions, goals and just started my 3^rd Christian Fiction Novel when-Boom! “life happened” you-see….there was no sickness in my forecast nor the time for pain and suffering, even though my spiritual goals where to grow and remain closer to God I hadn't planned on rediscovering my intimacy with Him till “this happened” and because of that,  which is the life we live and it means the good, bad and the ugly but in the mist of the unknown of life I want you to rediscover your intimacy with God, God doesn't mind us asking Him why in the time of “life happening” but before you ask Him why next time look around and figure out how you can rediscover your intimacy with Him (using that situation and or circumstance to strengthen your faith), I am so soften reminded about the little kid that tries to get their parents attention, the parent knows that the kid is trying to get their attention but the parent doesn't acknowledge the kid, sooner than later the kid usually does something dramatic, pull products down from a store shelf or throw a tantrum and so forth, point being they do that “dramatic” gesture to get the parents attention, and 99.9000% of the time it works, the parent stops dead in their tracks, places the grocery list down and figures out what it is the kid wants (something like that) so hear me out and clearly J I am not saying that God caused my sickness but I am saying that He used this situation as an attention-grabbing-moment, understand what ever circumstances you go through, whether or not if you understand them, let God use your circumstance to grow and strengthen your relationship with Him.

Strength-Ability

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

I sometimes wonder what really ignites my inner strength, sometimes there are some days I feel as though I just don’t have that one more push and or fight in me, sometimes there are days that I feel like life is sucking me bone dry but in those days I always know that giving up is not an option, (don’t worry saints I pray-prayer is my lively regiment) but in this note I just want to be transparent, I can tell you that some of the things that keep me going in life is believing in my heart that the more tougher it gets the more closer I am, for instance, my writing seasons are usually at an all-time peak between the months of January through July, for some reason these have always been my most productive months for the last 5 years,  this time around I am working on my 3^rd  fiction novel, it’s very deep, very dear and very emotional to me however I am excited very much about it, as I connect with my characters my debilitating head-aches came to visit me, now mind you they usually happen once every other year in the fall, this time it’s an early arrival, they are enough to become a show stopper in my moments work but I realized something this time, just because life wants to stop you dead in your tracks with its spontaneous inconveniences doesn't mean you have to stop for life to have its way, now I am to the point where I am just going to work around it, through it and past it to finish what I started because like all else, this too shall come to pass, sure it feels awkward trailing an oxygen tank around and constantly relying on it to alleviate my head aches but it could be worse, my condition is not chronic, it’s always temporary and I thank God that I am very much alive, I write this candidly to you so that you understand that, “life happens” and just because “life happens” doesn't mean YOU have to stop happening, there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel the question is, “how long is your tunnel?” ;-) now on another note bad life moments make for future memory giggles. Be Blessed! XOXOXO

“Strength is the ability to dig deep down inside to the core of your body and  use all the resources from within to survive one more try, one more hope, one more prayer and one more faith to keep living.”  -Memory Bengesa

Naked Truth

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

Naked Truth 

I spent a whole year last year waking up and trying to be consistent in the gym, mind you I have been a gym member for about 8 years now but a non-participating member at times (don’t judge me) however last year I told myself that I wanted to go the whole year, a whole year’s worth of attendance commitment because unlike before I’d get on my momentum-spike right around January and hit my burn out  right before fall started and drop out, slowly but surely, so to cut a long story short I went somewhat hardcore in the gym last year (at least I thought) did what I had to and when the year was over I didn't feel as though I had produced the results I was looking for after my commitment level goal, so feeling really unmotivated this year I sat down to think of what really happened,  mind you I knew I had to go the whole way with the “naked truth” of the matter, for instance I realized that even though I stuck out in my commitment of my gym attendance without any interruptions for a year out of 8 years I did not do much for my eating habits (ding-ding-ding…. so just because I have to tell myself the truth doesn't mean it’s  always an easy pill to swallow),  my personal truth at its core kind-of- hurt me, I mean-really! It-did, because if I wanted to sugar-coat my eating habits I would justify them by saying that; “I was eating healthy” but the truth would be to my standards of “eating healthy” not to a nutritionist standards, my own deception of eating healthy is-knowing that I did not eat out from fast-food establishments and the fact that I cooked more at home, but! When the rubber meets the road (which it eventually does) my cooking at home and my daily eating was not precise with healthy habits, my candy fixation (chocolate-which I think I’ve been delivered from) were also not quote-and-quote healthy eating habits, I was struggling at letting go of my favorite no-so-good-to-my-health-foods such as, ice cream, chips, cake and chocolate, I’d rather work hard in the gym than surrender my relationship with unhealthy snacks….. so any ways-my “naked truth” for that year’s not so progressive gym results was the “naked truth” of my eating habits, I had to curve some habits, learn some new ones and revisit some to come to terms with my new year’s gym momentum in order to gain real results. You see brothers and sisters, even though this might be a mere example, I have come a long way, like some I used to struggle deeply with admitting to the “naked truth” as it stood in my life, I justified the truth to make myself feel good, normal and somewhat functional in my human capabilities when the “naked truth” begged to differ in my life, I want to advise you-today to seek God all mighty in boldness to help you with your own “naked truth,” even though addictions can be classified as bondage and or strongholds but the first part to healing, spiritually and professionally is admitting the “naked truth” to your addiction, you might have been married 8 times and divorced 8 times and still continue to look for a mate because your deception of your truth to relationships might have been justified all throughout the 8 marriages, so-much-so that you truly believe it’s the other peoples fault for your broken marriages, well today I say to you my love! With love, embrace the “naked truth,” ask God to help you, I am not necessarily saying failure was your fault but sometimes when we reveal the “naked truth” about ourselves we inversely heal past wounds and diminish hindering deceptions, you see, I used to be like some, when I was 250 pounds I used to say that “I am big-boned,” or even when I was struggling financially I used to say that, “I have too many bills to pay-that is why I am always broke” there were times that even my own relationships with friends failed that I actually blamed them instead of looking at myself and facing my “naked truth,” it is true to context that the truth-hurts, trust me I know! No one wants to be labeled as a bad parent, neglectful parent, neglectful friend, selfish spouse, abusive spouse, addicted person, poor, failing, criminal, bad, and-so-forth, no one wants any negative captions associated with them-especially Christians “sometimes” (not all-just-some! So calm down) I don’t understand why some Christians put so much pressure to be close to perfect than to embrace the flaws that we have so that God can fix and or strengthen them for His glory and testimony-sake! Some Christians think if they face their “naked truth” they have failed their spirituality when in terms they are strengthening the growth of their spirituality….if people could worry about their own “naked truth” and facing it to fix it then some people would not be so worried about the flaws of the fellow Christian brother and or sister, understand this my friend! You have to be concerned about your “naked truth” not what others will think, may think and or even say…. I think of times where up to now I have lost some friends only because I faced the “naked truth” that allowed for me to be truthful with myself then them…….a while back-recently I was invited to a dear friends birthday bash, it was great for them but not for me-you see if you knew me before salvation then after salvation you’d understand that there are some places up to now in my saved mind I cannot step a foot in and because of that I did not attend the birthday party, did I want to go and support them? Yes! But did I want to be in that environment? No! So I could not even for a second allow the enemy to play mind games with me and persuade me in going-and have me believing I've been saved so “I’m tough” nooooo-buddy! I turned down the invitation which might have upset and or disappointed them but my life is at stake here…I know the “naked truth” of the demons I once wrestled with and wouldn’t pay a dime to act as though I’m Jesus and nothing can harm me or bring me down, “let me tell you something-Honey! This new, improved and saved Memory had to come to some ‘naked truth’ to stay in line and in focus with my relationship with God”….. (Sigh… Ok! Let me get off my soap box and get back to the topic) As I was saying… once you learn to accept your own “naked truth” you will be able to be truthful with those around you, truthful with yourself and you will be able to live a truthful life, you will be able to embrace any personal change that needs to be done and or constructive criticism given to you, embracing your own “naked truth” is truly liberating! Love you that much-stay blessed!

Memory B

Pieces of Me

Faith to Move Mountains

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

 So! Realistically and not insinuating that you haven’t experienced these mountain tops but the world’s highest mountains range from about 29,035 feet to about 26,545 feet tall! If you ask me that is a whole lot of mountain, majority of us will think of mount Everest when we think of a mountain, or at least that’s what comes to my mind…..however while I am on a visual stimulation kick, picture-this! Standing in front of whatever mountain that comes to mind and then picture trying to move it whether it is physically and or mentally, “how do you think that will work?” or should I say, “How can you apply Matthew 17:20 while facing the mountain you are envisioning?”…….Take your time and think it out really good-I have time…. (Don’t worry it’s not a trick-question) Ok! Some of you can snap out of the “blank stare towards the ceiling,”  lets re-group and really think of what the ultimate message is in Matthew 17:20, even though we tried visualizing our mountain-moving-tactics it still seemed humanly impossible-right? Which is absolutely normal…. understand that in today’s world a majority of people are not necessarily and realistically face-to-face with Mount Everest but! I can say this-though….. a majority of people are facing enough trials and tribulations that seem like mountains in their lives, Jesus was not insinuating that we use super-natural cosmic powers to move a mountain just because we think we have faith, understand that a mustard seed is one of the smallest seeds your eyes will ever see and all He was stating is “just-believe,” note He did not say “if you have faith of an avocado seed” or “if you have faith big enough like a baobab tree,” today might be the day that you are facing the mountain of foreclosure, bankruptcy, job loss, family loss, cancer and or finical hardships,  even though the realistic mountains are huge, tall and mounted to the ground pretty tightly it can almost seem that way with your spiritual mountain…if you are not too careful it will weigh you down and overwhelm you with its heaviness, understand-while facing this mountain it’s your time now to exercise the belief in your faith and instead of applying for the high interest loans to pay your bills and put food on the table, believe that God will come through-even in the last hour, so-what! The Doctors consider your diagnosis iffy-God is the healer of all and as long as you have that faith of a mustard seed your terminal cancer and or illness of a mountain will move in Jesus name-I declare it! Brothers and Sisters….the point being before you believe someone else and or something else for a solution to moving your life’s-challenging-spiritual-mountain, believe in God-first and witness your faith breaking bondage's,  loosing addictions, loosing illness, and bring peace and comfort to you! 

You have to have belief in order to have faith and faith to have belief! The two are directly related and you can NOT have one without the other!

Love You in Christ,

Memory

The Irony of Struggle

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Ephesians 3:20

Struggle is truly a double sided coin when you think of life’s everyday challenges, the simple fact being the word struggle is not biased according to race, age and or background……you can have all the money in the world and yet have an inner “personal” struggle and then you can have no money and inner peace but have an ongoing “outer” struggle, point being no matter who you are what ranks you fall under it is almost guaranteed that at one point and time in your lifetime you will encounter this thing that is known as struggle……. I attribute my “once” over-achieving ways to the fear of ‘life” struggle (before Christ that is) I really used to think if I continued to work as hard as I could and nonstop I would live a comfortable lifestyle without a “struggle,” unbeknownst to me even in my over-achieving ways I still ran into this thing we call “struggle,” all I could remember after I achieved all the materialistic things I ever wanted and was living it up was, “how can I be failing inwardly?” I was struggling inwardly with a body rotting, mind griping addiction that was eating at me……sure my outer appearance stayed perfectly maintained and my lifestyle was a breeze to keep up with but inwardly there was a huge hole, one that could not be satisfied by my cars, house, furniture and or the fancy clothes and shoes………to face life in the eyes of all its truthfulness was a hard task, I wanted to believe I was fine and yet I was struggling inwardly………it was embarrassing to even think of my inner struggle at that time but truth-today as it holds was that the over-achiever, hard-working and zealous individual was drowning at the mercy of an “unwavering” struggle, even though I was not a believer then I knew there was going to be some kind of freedom………my now Christian, born again walk with the Lord has led me to further understand the “irony” of  struggle……you-see…..I still praise and thank God like I did when He freed me because the mere thought of my inner struggle brings upon a sorrow and joy in my life, sorrow that I went through it and joy that I am free…….I have this to share with you today-Beloved, you might be in the midst of an inner struggle or outward struggle…..or a struggle-period! Whatever your situation is today please understand that it’s there to strengthen your faith in God, the struggle is here to remind you to truly rest upon His every word and to breath His every word in your life, without struggle there really isn't much to be grateful about but our existence, but with struggle we taste the sovereign saving power of our Lord which then gives us a deeper appreciation of our creator, look to Him in this time of struggle for He will see you through and strengthen you in the midst of it all! I conclude by stating, struggle can be excruciating on the surface but deeply profound and spiritually invigorating in a more intimate understanding, thus creating the “irony of struggle.”

Memory B

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